The pinch of goose bumps shrink wrapped to the coarse black hair that stood at attention on my bare white ass, woke me up Saturday morning. I fumbled into my pink AA undies while leaning in to kiss my super sexy girlfriend still passed out under the the covers. I pulled myself into my car and threw my hood up while I waited for the heat to kick in and burn the frost off my windshield then.... Bell Biv Devo started blaring from my phone, Yea that's right I have the Northern Berks Reptile Show programed into my cell calender and I'm not afraid to admit it.
So I rolled into Hamburg about 11, and I had to circle the lot 4 or 5 times before I could find a spot. The line for admission trailed out the door a hundred or so feet. Apparently I've been out of the reptile game for a while cause the last time I was there, which was probably 6 or 7 years ago, there wasn't a quarter as many people as there was on Saturday. The lot was filled with characters from all walks of life, apparently Stetson hats are big in 08 with reptile enthusiasts. The girl standing in front of me wearing a purple fedora was making wise cracks about the geico commercial were they classify the gecko as an amphibian which made me laugh... mostly because every time that commercial comes on I'm guilty of snickering "ppssshh fuckin idiots!" under my breath. Some old bloak pushing 60 strolled buy getting all heated about a colinoscophy he had that resulted in a rather sever infection in his anouse. After soaking in the local color for about 30 minutes I finally made it in.
Womas and Vipers and Frogs Oh My
Shit just got real! If you don't frequent herp expos aside from needing a lesson in cool, you have no idea what your missing. I turn to my left as woman that looks like she just walked off the set of Baps breezed by me pinching her cell between her 4 inch acrylic nails just past her I see a skull cap wearing thugs sharing his thoughts with a wet curl pony tailed taped glasses wearing dweeb I look to my right and see a father with his 2 boys, fresh off a J Crew photo shoot, asking for husbandry advice from what could have been Dee Sniders stunt double from Strange Land, I look straight ahead and see a group of sceansters staring into a baby alligator tank their eyes twinkling with delight completely void of any feelings of superiority. In this crazy backwards world I just walked into it doesn't matter what your wearing, what you look like or where you came from , but don't worry kids this seemingly faceless utopia of wonder doesn't lack the social higher Archy that we all strive to climb. So here's what you need to know to get down in reptile town, this is a potential hipster gold mine.
Ball Pythons
Their huge right now, but don't go running to PetSmart just yet Blood lines will make or break your buzz worthy potential.
Normal Ball Python: This is like the equivalent of a peace from the Jesse James Collection at Walmart
Caramel Albino Ball Python: Something your personal shopper might pick up for you at Sacks
For those who understand Neon's and Pastels go with everything here's a few hot items to consider
Rhino Viper
African Bush Viper
Panther Chameleon
Gila Monster
Blue and Black Dart Frogs
My New Edition to The PostSkunk Family
I managed to show a great deal of self restraint threw out the day. I'm not gonna lie, if I had 2k to drop I would have picked up this leachianus that was about the size of a guinea pig, it was probably one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever seen, I got a little bit of movement. But when it came to the Baby Alligator Snappers I couldn't resist. They have found wild Alligator Snappers with bullets lodged in them from the Civil war the largest confirmed turtle weighed in at 236 lbs. And if that isn't Bad Ass enough for you, while researching them, I found several news articles about an Alligator snapper at the New England Aquarium that was seized in an NYC drug raid. Apparently the Drug dealer was using it to guard his stash, and even better yet they all reported that this was a growing trend with drug dealers! And While I might not be using it to guard drugs, A guy with an Alligator Snapper is not someone with whom to Fuck.
Name: Boogie Board
Ocupation: Cool
Status: So 2009
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